Why repair can feel so hard

“Memory retrieval when combined with narrative reflection can be a memory modifier.”
– Dr. Dan Siegel

In other words:

Remembering something, when combined with a story to make sense of the memory, changes the memory.

Why is this so important?

As parents, we are human. And what does it mean to be human?

Well, we screw up. A lot.

And what are your kids? Also, human. (Surprise!)

So they too, screw up. A lot.

Repair is the way we come back into connection with someone after a rupture has happened.

This may sound stunningly obvious for some people and families. Lucky you! I would venture that in many families, this is not the norm. I’ve heard many of my Japanese and broadly Asian cultural background clients talk about how as a kid, after a yelling episode, they would go to sleep and wake up and the parent would act like nothing had happened.

Can you imagine as a child what that must do to your sense of reality?

Not only are you in an acute state of stress, you’re having to question: Did I imagine what happened yesterday? Why do I feel so bad inside if mom or dad isn’t saying anything or acknowledging my hurt? What is wrong with me?

The words for repair aren’t hard to say (I’ll share a step-by-step script below). But what can be hard, especially in some cultures where stoicism and emotional suppression are valued, is showing vulnerability.

To admit that you screwed up can bring up some big feelings — especially when your own experience is that the adults in your life didn’t apologize to you when you were growing up, or perhaps they still don’t acknowledge the hurt they cause you, even today.

Your inner voice will say: “But why do I have to do it, when no one did it for me?”

I get it. I really do.

And yet, you’re reading this post — which means you’re the kind of parent who wants to do it differently. So I ask that you soothe that inner voice (we’ll have a conversation with him/her/them in a future blog post!) and to try anyway.

Like with most skills, it takes practice.

The first time you will may sound awkward. I’ve literally encouraged clients to write down what they were going to say before they approached their kid when they were first learning how to repair.

But the more you do it, the easier will be.

And pretty soon you’ll be able to tell your kids: it’s okay to screw up, because that’s what it means to be human! And that will give them room to screw up, and repair, with the humans in their lives — for the rest of their lives.

———-

Recipe for Meaningful Repair
(Credit: Jai Institute for Parenting)

1. Connect
2. Ask consent
3. I imagine that you’re feeling _________
4. Because of my choice to _________
5. I regret how I , because it caused you to_________
6. In the future, I’ll do my best to _________
7. Here’s what I’ll do right now (my calming strategies) _________
8. For now, would it support you if _________
   

Also watch: Dr. Becky’s TedTalk – The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy

Photo credit: Nathan Dumlao @ Unsplash